College Kid Tackles Summer Movies

By Ben Spanner
Dear College Kid Who Most Likely Knows Nothing,

I want to see all of the summer blockbusters at the theater this summer, but I’m kinda running low on cash. What should I do?

Sincerely,

No Dough Joe



Dear No Dough Joe,

Back when I was in the war (high school), I designed this elaborate plan on several reams of cafeteria napkin paper. For days I would labor alone in the corner of the brick-laid eatery in hopes of one day executing this perfect summer stratagem. I give it to you on two conditions: 1) that you reveal this plan to no one and 2) that this quixotic blueprint of jumbled neurosis is engineered exactly as planned for fear of incarceration and/or certain death.

If you want to see all of the summer movies for cheap, this is the only reasonable alternative I can develop. What you’ll need: $7.50, one Ramen noodle case, Nalgene, 13 cans of black beans, a couple novels (or novellas if you’re a slow reader), penknife, hair and bread trimmer, three changes of clothes and an intermediary skill at lock-picking.

The plan, in its true essence, is simple and without superfluous attachments. You are going to hold up in a movie theater for three months after you buy the first ticket (preferably starting with “Speed Racer” since it might be the biggest draw). Place your belongings, which I laid out above, in a knapsack and buy your ticket to the evening show. Store your items preferably in a shopping bag, making it look like you just spent the time previous at the local mall or gala event. Once inside, enjoy your movie. I heard Emile Hirsch is just great in it. During lulls in the action scope the territory and walls for a place to hide after closing. My initial blueprint has me using the penknife to cut back some of the dark maroon fabric loosely lining the walls and stand flat against it or inside a ruffle until the show lets out. Once inside, and past the first inspection by the movie crew, you can stay until the theater closes down.

Now my plan also involves detailed timetables for security personnel and where they will be and when, but you can wing that part if you like — a little excitement never hurt anyone. Once the coast is clear, come out from your hermitage and survey the area. It may be dark so you may need to go behind the concession counter and pilfer a flashlight. You’ll need to find a way into the projection area (usually through a locked door). This is the only hard part of the plan as you have to find a way to pick the lock to the upstairs chambers. Fortunately, you’ve read the first part of this article and are well aware of that needed skill. Let’s press on.

From this point you have to establish a home-base. This is simple enough. Hide adjacent to the hinged side of the projection door so you are able to properly jump the projection artist and convince him that he should keep quiet about your whereabouts for the duration of the summer. Make up some cockamamy story of how you might or might not be watching his house and he’ll do anything you say. Long live Mel Gibson movies (pre-Jew bashing).

Congratulations, you have your “in.” Your food and provisions will come in handy as you wait for Indy, Batman, Hulk and other great films to come your way and you’ll finally be able to practice some serious meditation in the meantime.

It also should be noted, although probably implied, that you’ll need an alibi from friends and family, so tell them you’re going off to find yourself. It’s spiritual, timely, and when you come back they’ll just be glad to have you home.

Viva la theatre runaway!

— College Kid Who Most Likely Knows Nothing



Dear College Kid Who Most Likely Knows Nothing,

I talked to my dad and I think I’m just going to get a job instead. Uh, thanks though.

Yup,

No Dough Joe

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Contact Ben at bspanner@

graffitiwv.com